Dear Children Who Kidnapped My Cat, Chomper, and Thought I Wouldn’t Notice,
I understand that he’s the most charming and handsome gray tabby workin’ a flea collar anyone has ever seen, but he’s my cat. I also understand that you may have mistaken his mesmerizing long stares as an invitation to come play with him. His eyes are just big, beautiful, round, yellow marbles. Perhaps, you also mistook his “meows” for distress calls and decided to take action—in which case, I commend you for your involvement in the animal rights movement.
However, you little shits didn’t give a fuck about the well-being of my poor little baby, Chomper. Yes Children Who Kidnapped My Cat, Chomper, and Thought I wouldn’t Notice, those are very bad words, but you’ve left me no choice. You can run along to your parents and tell them that the mean lady cursed at you and I’ll explain to them how they’re raising psychopaths.
Not only did you take him away from his loving family for three days, you tried to shave him—or dare I say,cut him? I can’t even imagine what Chomper must have gone through, but thank God he’s smart and came running home while you chased after him. That’s right, I saw you right before you made a sharp turn to avoid being caught.
I feel betrayed. I thought we were cool. Did I ever turn you down when you came to my door to sell me overpriced chocolate bars for your school? No. I bought a chocolate bar from every single one of you because I didn’t want to discriminate. I didn’t want any of you to feel left out. And this is how you repaid me? If you think I’m going to spend another penny on your nasty chocolate bars, forget it. I am officially done doing business with you. All of you.